Grief and Sorrow

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

有时后我在想，是曾经拥有来得痛苦些，还是不曾拥有同苦。嗨！人世间怎会如此地可悲，如此地可哀可泣。

posted by Ivan Ee @ 2:08 PM

Sunday, March 26, 2006
Used the SAS system today..

Went to the SAS system just now.. Was actually there to look at my results again.. Cos nothing to do..

Went to the Napfa section.. Althou' never intendin to take in school, but I click nevertheless, for the fun of it..

Saw this
" You are not allowed to sign up for the NAPFA test session, because of the following reason(s):
You are no longer an active student.
You are not a final year student. "

Haiz.. No longer a final year student, no longer an active student.. Glad, yet accompanied by more sadness than glad..

Looking back at the 3 years in Poly, I never seem to have achieved anything..
To others, being a Vice-Chairman maybe a great achievement, but not to me..
To others, passing every modules without the need of forwarding maybe an achievement, but not to me..
To others, getting more than 80 points for CCA may be a mavellous achievement, but not to me..
To others, being able to get a Dist in the exam slip may be an wonderful achievement, but once again, not to me..

Haiz.. Am I really asking too much? But what do I really want to achieve in Poly? Why do I have a feeling of emptiness in me when I had achieve what some others are not able to achieve?
Getting a Dist, so what?
Getting more than 80 CCA points, so what?
Being a V-Chairman for my club, so what?

Haiz.. Sometimes I tend not to be able to understand myself.. Perhaps I understand myself too well, thus not willing to face up to the truth.. Perhaps I juz needed some reassurance.. Haiz..

posted by Ivan Ee @ 2:50 AM

Saturday, March 25, 2006
Got My CDP Acc..

Was on my way to the SGX, Singapore Stocks Exchange, while banging into Tim.. Tim was coming for the other direction.. So coincidental.. Haha..

Ask him to bring me to SGX, cos I dunno where it is.. In the end it was juz behind the MPH, beside DBS.. Chey.. Tot where.. Its that building lah.. I always pass by there in the past, only thing dunno that place is SGX..

Went to do my CDP account.. With Tim's help, I completed the whole process in less than 1/2 hour... Haha..

I OFFICIALLY GOT MY CDP ACCOUNT!!!

Now I can officially trade the stocks exchange myself.. 3 Cheer..

posted by Ivan Ee @ 1:41 AM

Sunday, March 19, 2006
22 hrs count down to my Birthday

Time now is ard 2am, 19th of March 2006..

Countdown.. 22 hours away from my 21st birthday..

Another year older.. To come to think about it, I am growing older.. But then again, while getting old is of no choice, growing up is an option.. :D

This year once again, majority sld be my JC classmates.. the minority will come from Poly and Secondary..

But then, one point to take note is that someone will be coming to my birthday for the 1st time since I try to get the person to attend my birthday for the past 3 years.. Haha.. Hopefully that person will turn up this time.. It would surely be a remarkable feat.. That person will surely make my 21st brithday memorable one..

Unfortunately, I doubt the arrival of another person.. Cos I juz got this feeling that this person wont come.. Thou' I hope miracle will happen, hoping that the person will miraculously appear, I seriously doubt the possibility..

posted by Ivan Ee @ 2:01 AM

Friday, March 10, 2006
Death of Cat Uncle..Haiz..

Juz received a very sad news today.. Cat Uncle had died.. Haiz..

Received the new from my cousin, aka Jie..

Haiz.. Was really taken aback when I first heard the news from Jie.. I was on MSN halfway when Jie broke the news to me.. That was a really big shock.. Haiz..

Went for the Wake via a cab.. Reached there.. Saw XiaoGu and DaGu and AhGong.. Sat down with them.. Soon, Jie came along..

Was chatting halfway when Jie ask me if wanna go and put the josstick.. I agreed and went with her..

This was almost like our first time attending such a funeral.. While taking the josstick.. Jie's tears started to flow.. I can sense a very deep sadness in her, cos I can feel that too.. Cat Uncle had always been very good to the 2 of us when we were still young, when we were still staying with AhMa on a regular basis..

After that.. Went back to the table and eat the food..

Before we left, Jie suggested to go and take a final look at the body, asking me if I will be scared.. Haiz.. I am not scared.. How will I be scared? Why will I be scared of someone who had been so dear to me when I was still at a very young age? Haiz..

Went to the coffin.. Look thru' the glass panel and see Cat Uncle body.. He was rather black.. Althou' he was known to be very dark, he seems blacker than darker in the coffin.. Overall, he still look a bit rather nice.. At least his face had not sunken in, unlike my another uncle who died a few months ago..

While looking at the body.. I saw someone who sleep peacefully in it.. Someone whom I had respected so much.. Someone so close to my heart.. Someone who really love me and Jie as thou' we are his own kids..
Knowing that he will never be able to see us again, knowing that we will never see him again, my heart starts to feel so heavy.. I wanted to touch to glass panel of the coffin, so as to get closer to him, but dare not, in fear that it may not be allowed religiously..

Jie, who was beside me was crying sadly.. Really sadly.. I lent her my shoulder to cry on.. Haiz.. She was telling me not to control my feelings, cry if I want, cry if I need.. Haiz..

I am very sad.. Really very sad.. I really feel like crying also.. But tears never obey.. I can sense that I am on the verge of tearing, yet the tears will stop before it can flow out of my eyes.. In other words, I had long lost the ability to cry.. I cant cry.. I dunno how to.. Haiz..

When I saw my another uncle died that time, I was very scared that the eyes might just open suddenly.. But now.. Looking at CatUncle's body.. In fact, I am really hoping his eyes can open, telling us that he is not dead.. Telling us that it is all but a spam.. All but a joke.. But I know.. I still cant hide away from reality.. He is really dead.. Haiz..

From here on.. I will give a brief introduction about UncleCat, as a last tribute to the one Uncle who had been so dear in my life, even though he does not belong to my family, not even blood-related..

CatUncle, or Yiao Gu as Jie and I had always called him so affectionately.. From what I had heard, he was only a close friend of my AhGong.. UncleCat got his nickname because he is very good in climbing trees.. His real name was Hong Qing Liang, as written in the chines newspaper, the obitury page..

He was so close to my GrandParents becos he had fell in love with this person whom I dunno is who, but had close relationship with my grandparents.. So he will always come to my grandparents' house in order to get close to that girl.. Soon, they build up a very good friendship.. Unfortunately, he never won over the heart of that girl..

Fast forward.. When my mother had me, CatUncle, who was the only person who had a pickup.. Thus he stayed over at my AhMa's house every night, for fear that my mum will give birth to me anytime at night, so that he can fetch my mother to the hospital immediately when in need..

Fast forward again.. When I was still at a very young age, when I was still staying at my AhMa's house, CatUncle will always bring back home Durians and Crabs for us to eat.. It was also because of him that I learn how to eat and enjoy these 2 delicacies..

Whenever ChineseNewYear came, he will always come to my Grandparents' house and gives out angbao.. He will alway be one of the most generous in angbao money..
Unfortunately for the past few years, he had not been able to come to my Grandparents house, because of poor health.. However, he will stay put the angbao with my AhMa, asking her to pass the angbao to me and Jie.. He will do this every year without fail..

But this is the first year where I didnt receive his angbao.. Perhaps it also meant a bad omen.. Only thing I didnt realise it during that point in time.. Haiz..

According to his daughter.. He had been dianogsed with Cancer around the CNY period.. Haiz.. Becos it was so fast, the doctor didnt even managed to find out at which stage is his CancerCells at the point he passed on.. At the time he found out that he had cancer, he still tell his daughter that he wants to live on, agreeing to receiving the cancer treatment..

2 weeks ago, my aunty even called him.. That time he was already warded in the hospital, but he didnt break the news to my aunty.. He still talk normally.. Haiz.. Little did anyone knows that that will be the last time they will hear from him..

CatUncle stayed in the hospital for 2 weeks.. On tuesday, he went into a short coma.. His eyes had already hung upwards.. But suddenly he woke up again.. He started to seems as thou' he is very energetic.. However, the doctor said that he will not give CatUncle anymore medicine.. He refered CatUncle to the hospise.. A place where people wait there.. To die..

Haiz.. Not wanting him to know.. His daughter told him that she will be bring him to AngMoKio Old Folks Home.. CatUncle only heard the AMK part, thus thinking that he is going back home..

He was warded there at 10am.. He died shortly after, at 5pm.. During his death, none of his family members are there.. Haiz.. Perhaps CatUncle dunwan his close ones to be beside him when he died, not wanting them to feel sad for him.. Haiz..

CatUncle.. May you rest in peace..

posted by Ivan Ee @ 11:59 PM

Prom Night.. (Feelings)

"Same Initials.. Coincidence or Fated?"

This is the first nick I posted on MSN since I knew her name.. Despite knowing her for the past 6 months or so, I seem to keep forgetting her name, until we have another module in common..

Coincidence or Fated? Thats the question I posted 4 to 5 months ago.. To think it took me up to so long before knowing the answer..

A one-word answer, it could well take up a life time to ensure I find the answer.. Haiz.. But it seems to me it is more siding towards the former.. Haiz..

The reason why I am so "Da Tan" writing these feelings is perhaps due to the fact that I feel she will not read this blog.. I dun think she will even be interested in reading my blog.. Haiz.. Perhaps these feelings should only be written in my main blog, yet I choose to write it here.. Strange.. Dunno whats wrong with me today.. I dun seem the usual me, who only write my real heart-felt feelings in my main blog, cos not many ppl have access to it, thus keeping me true inner feelings within my small group of close friends, never leaking out..

She is wearing a black V-neck overall skirt.. Accompanied by a black scarf.. She looks absolutely gorgeous..
I am wearing a black, striped blazer, grey shirt, which purple striped neck-tie, accompanied by a black pants.. Sarah said I look good in that..

Actually I bought the neck-tie and blazer yesterday from Zara.. Dyed my hair this afternoon.. Blazer costing $299, Neck-Tie costing $59.90, Hair costing $112.40..

Donna asked me this question.. "Why waste so much money on the prom night? Are you spending so much because of one prom night? Or for one girl?"
Was actually taken aback when she shot me this question.. I wanted to look good.. But whats the real objective behind it? Am I so keen to look good in front of my class? In front of my friends? Or in front of her... I think I know the answer.. Actually I think Donna also know the answer, but none of us said it out..

Immediately after the prom night dinner, the whole class went to the outside of the Ball Room to take photos, with Lecturers and Friends alike..
Well.. I joined in the fun, since this may well be the last time I will be with the whole class.. Despite my physical being.. My soul is actually not there.. I was browsing thru' the sea of people outside the BallRoom, seaching in vain.. Finally saw her.. But she was with her other friends.. Shy as I've always been.. I did not, dare not approach..

Took more pictures with Lecturers and all.. Finally it took a ChinBoon to really boost my confidence, my guts.. Useless me.. Haiz..
ChinBoon was telling me that she looks very pretty tonight.. It will be a real pity if I were to miss taking a foto with her.. That was when my guts started to come back and find itself back into me.. It has always been weird on my side.. For some strange reason, I will always have difficulty with joking and talking heartily with the person I like.. I am able to converse with Raine so well, even though today is the first time we really talk to each other; Yet I will always be in a weird spot, never knowing what to talk to her about, how to joke with her, how to make her laugh and feel happy.. Haiz.. The trip with her to a place in Suntec is really a flop.. A terrible silent flop.. Almost total silence between us.. Haiz..

Tracking back to where I side-tracked.. After those motivational talk from ChinBoon, I started to have more confidence in myself.. Cos I know that its now, or never.. I dun want to regret not taking a photo with her.. Especially in such a wonderful night, where we both are wearing such nice outfits..

To my disappointment, she is nowhere to be found.. I was turning my myself in vain, starring hard at each individuals who passed back.. Yet to no avail.. Demoralised.. The rest of the class is having so much fun cos-playing while taking fotos.. Sadness is not hard to be seen on my face.. Demorlised is the word.. Demoralised..

It was at this point in time where I really pray.. Sincerely pray.. I confess, that I had never pray as sincerely as I did today.. I pray sincerely to God that I can take a photo with her today, cos this may well be the last time I can see her.. I prayed, crying for help to God.. So sincerely that tears almost flows.. Yet as hard as I wish it would ever flow out of my eyes, it didnt.. But the sensation of tearing is there..

The class started to get bored of the same old place.. So they decided to change the location to the stairways.. Demoralised as I was, I went with them..

Finally.. On the stairways, I saw her.. My prayers seem to have been answered.. Deep down inside, I was so delighted.. Yet at the same time, cowardness creeped in.. I am scared.. I dunno how to approach her.. How to ask her to have a foto taken with me.. What if I get rejected.. Wouldn't it be more demoralising on my side?
But then again.. What if I were to not take the foto with her, wouldn't I regret for the rest of my life? What if I were to continue to ponder, until she gone out home and I will never get a foto taken with her? What if her frenz were to stop her from taking foto with her, feeling I am not fit to be with her in the same foto?

Haiz.. So many what if speeding thru' my mind in the split moment..

KwokYann soon saw her.. I am still pondering what to do when I was scolded by him for being "Ha-mmm"

Haiz.. To think I need to be scolded in order to get my acts right.. Haiz.. Perhaps I am too prefectionist a person that I will not take any steps unless I am sure I will succeed.. This is also perhaps one of the reasons why I can never make the first step to getting a girlfriend.. Cos I am too scared of failure.. Loving someone is nothing.. But making the first move requires great guts as it invovles great risk.. Either you make it, or you break it.. I had always rank love as the highest priority in my life, thus I never dare to take risk in it, thus causing me never to be able to confess my love to anyone I like..

KwokYann offered to accompany me to go down together.. In order to lend me his camera, as well as to lend me his guts..

At last, I drew all the courage I ever had, perhaps even exceeding the courage I ever had.. I asked her to take a photo with me.. While asking her that, I dare not look at her directly.. Shyness is my biggest flaw in Love, Lack of confidence comes next..

She agreed, although I can sense unwillingness in it.. Haiz.. She passed her handbag and her black scarf to her friend and took the picture with me..

I was actually shivering out of nervousness when taking the photo with her.. While standing with her, I could actually feel that my legs are not standing striaght.. They are shaking.. Uncontrollably.. I never know I will be so nervous as that, since it is, but juz taking a normal photo..

But is this really a normal photo? To others it is, but not to me.. This photo will hold a great deal of meaningful memories.. It was her that I feel I had not wasted my Poly life totally.. It was her that causes me to feel that actually poly life is not that bad afterall.. It was her that really make me feel time is so short in Poly.. It was also her that make me feel like I should have changed class when I had a chance..
I am not saying that this class of mine is not good or anything.. In fact, DBF3B07 is a mavellous class to be in.. The only thing is that a good and united class was never really what I had long for ultimately in life..

Coming back, actually I wanted a full body photo, cos it will look nicer.. But I dare not ask too much from her, for fear it will build up hatred in her against me.. Haiz.. But at least I had a foto with her..

Finally saw her left the place, with her friends.. My heart had gone as well..

Prom Night.. The night signifying the last of Poly life.. Signifying the end.. Great fun to have it, yet if you look deeper into it, it actually brings together with fun a bad omen.. Many ppl wont felt it, cos they look at the surface of it, while I have a tendency to look deeper.. Sometimes to needless depth..

Sadness seems doomed to have engraved itself upon me.. Last day.. Will it also signify that last time I will be seeing her? Haiz..

posted by Ivan Ee @ 1:13 AM

Prom Night (Events)

Woke up relatively early today.. Cos nid to prepare myself for all the things before going to the prom night..

Actually wanted to wear a t-shirt to Taka first then after making my hair then i change into my formal wear.. But since no one is accompanying me to Taka as they were are having school, I changed my mind and wore my formal wear there..

Reached Taka at 3pm.. Actually booked the time with the hair-dresser at 3.30pm.. But since no one is there, he let me cut my hair immediately..

He said I looked too guai liao.. So helped me to cut a hairstyle which is not so guai.. Haha.. While cutting, the loose hair stuck onto my lips, making me feel as thou' I had grown beard.. The reason why the hair stuck onto my lips is simple.. Cos I had lip-blam on them.. Sianz.. I was forced to put on lip-blam..

After the cutting, the uncle helped got me the hair-colour book, asking me to choose.. Initially wanted the semi-golden colour, but he said it is out-of-fashion liao.. So he got me a brownish-golden colour, which almost cant see the colour unless under sun.. ARGGG...

The whole dying of hair lasted 19 mins.. Then an assisstant of the uncle helped to "put the colour into the roots".. Dunno why, but suddenly the hair scrap is so painful.. But no choice.. Anyway its juz 2 mins more.. This is wat I call "Ai Shui Mai Mia" or "Love Beauty Dunwan Life"..

After the dying of hair, they help me to put some chemicals in the hair to take away the smell of amonia or NH4 if the spelling is wrong and u dun understand wat I trying to write..

Sianz.. After all the cutting, the time is only 4.45pm.. Still got another 1 more hour to go before meeting Tim at Newton MRT Station..

Went to the Orchard Library.. Sat down read some books to kill time..

By about 5.45pm, went to the toilet to put on my neck-tie and Blazer.. Even took a photo of myself in the toilet.. Haha.. Nassicist..

Met Tim.. Went to the Sheleton Tower.. The place looks rather posh.. Not too bad.. Only thing got people smoking inside.. Sianz.. Cant stand the smell..

Then one by one the class ppl came.. Took quite a few group fotos with them..

Went up to the BallRoom, only to find out that we were sitting at the most back sit.. Sianz..

Continue taking some pictures at the BallRoom.. Saw SuLian with her classmate.. Almost cant recognise her.. She look very different from the normal her.. Well.. Not say Chio, yet not say Not Chio.. Juz weird..

Then the MC went up the stage to start the event.. He is a lame guy.. Really lame.. But I like his hosting.. Haha..

Marcus got the Prom King award.. Although I feel my choice of clothes is much better than him.. Maybe juz bcos he is tall bah.. Well.. Who knows..

After the dinner.. Went outside the BallRoom to take photos.. The took photos on the stairway too..

Then saw TeenYun and Rane.. Its rather nice chatting with Rane.. Cos she is a rather fun-to-be-with girl.. Took a foto with her.. Actually TeenYun asked Tim and I to accompany her class to watch movie, but Rane nid to go home, so cant accompany us.. Then after that TeenYun oso went home.. So in the end, Tim and I decided against going out with them, cos we agree to go becos of TeenYun, and since she is going home, no point going out with them..

In the end, Tim and I went home respectively..

posted by Ivan Ee @ 12:34 AM

Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Finished 1st paper yesterday..

Well.. Study from 3am onwards until the paper ends..

Went to bath at ard 6am in the morning.. Then go to school liao.. Cos was intending to study on my way there..

Actually can take MRT to school, but I feel like taking a bus so that I can study on the bus..

While on 74, I study.. Duh.. Haha.. (Duh = Obvious)

Then comes the terrible thing.. I think I Yun1 Che1, aka faint bus.. Dunno why leh.. Never had such a thing before.. I think is because the bus got no AirCon.. Then oso there was a short jam near MacRichie there.. Then the smoke there was terrible.. Arrr...

Anyway.. I managed to come to school intact.. Haha..

Almost lost my way to T18.. Went to T17 instead.. Luckily my animal instinct told me something wrong.. Wahahah.. Saw JunLing studying at the stairways there.. So I join her lor..

Then nearing the exam time, we make our way to the door, and saw most of the class ppl there liao le.. Almost everyone told the others who are studying not to study liao.. So fan.. Ppl want to study let them study lah.. Dun disturb them mah.. Whether what they study last minute can go into the mind is non of ur concern mah.. Why care?

Anyway.. Went into the exam hall.. At first, saw the paper.. A bit scared. Cos I am not very confident in this paper.. Cos oso I didnt revise the first 3 chapters at all.. Cos Tested before liao..

During the first 10 minutes.. Keep staring in front.. Perhaps to loosen myself up..

Once the paper starts.. I started doing.. Duh!

Well.. Did rather slowly at first.. By the end of 1 hr I still doing question my 3rd short answer question.. So I ditched my nice writing and traded for a hand writing that will cos the marker's myopia to increase by another 100 degrees.. :D

After finishing the paper.. Was rather relieve.. Cos I find the paper rather easy.. But then I saw quite a few ppl like frowning a lot.. Some say the paper very hard.. Strange.. Haha.. At least I know that I will have at least 5 out of 100 correct.. Cos the question is directly from the last tutorial.. Haha.. And I juz studied that on the bus.. Haha.. I saw Tim not frowning oso.. So I presume he will get at least an A for this paper liao..

Anyway.. I feel I will sure pass this paper.. Not trying to be proud thou'.. Juz have this sort of feeling.. Whatever grades I will get is another thing.. Passing is a more impt criteria as compared to grades isnt it? Without even passing, how on earth can anyone get an A or B, or even distinction?

Anyway, all I am aimming for is just a pass.. So why care? I dun believe in those words saying that "Aim for an A, and you will get at least a B; Aim for a Pass, and you will most probably fail".. Well, at least that mindset dun work for me..
I will always aim for a pass, and strive for the best.. Cos by exceeding your aim, you will be a happy person if you know u achieve it.. For ppl who aim for an A, if you get a B, you will be very sad and it might affect the subsequent papers that you are taking..
For me, I aim for a Pass, if I get a C, I will be happy that I dun nid to forward that module, if I get a B, I will be very happy, if I get an A, I will be on clouds nine!

Perhaps because happiness had ditched me for so long, thus I use such a reverse pychology theory to bring some back.. I feel that happiness is much more impt than anything else.. Happiness will be able to make someone reached his or her potential.. Cos when you are happy, you will be more willing to learn and do, thus helping you on the way to reaching you potential..

Thou' Love will help someone to exceeds his or her potential.. Haiz..

posted by Ivan Ee @ 11:32 AM