Grief and Sorrow

Thursday, June 01, 2006
Where tears no longer flows..

Haiz.. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever let my feeling rules?

Juz not feeling too well.. It seems to be a long time since I last felt sadness? Or am I so numb in the past, that I only feel the sadness once again as it starts to re-poke me again?

There was once, where I had tears, but i controlled them, holding them back so that they dun flow out; It is now, where I want them to flow out, to release them, that I found out they are no longer listening to my command, my feelings..

By controlling my feelings, my tears, it seems to trigger off a strong front, a front stronger than wat i can take.. A front that seems so strong on the outside, yet so vulnerable in the inside. A front that shows everyone what a happy-go-lucky person I am, yet no knowing the inner me, the real me, the weak and vulnerable me..

Laughters are what I bring to others, but Sadness is the price of it.. The more jokes I cracked, the more sadness I endure..

At first, laughters are what I use to hide my feelings from others.. But dunno from when, it seems to hide the feelings even from myself.. I am self-denying..

By hidding my feelings away from me, away from others, I prevented myself from feeling hurt, being hurt by ppl.. This is the path I chose to walk in the past, unwittedly taking the wrong path it seems..

By hidding my feelings, it will accumulate.. Sooner rather later, it will explode.. Once it explode, extreme depression will take over.. By being depress, it will create more self-denial than any normal people can imagine.. It will move along this line, until the next stage sets in... The stage where by one tries to commit suicide due to tremendous stress.. Emotional stress..

Haiz..

The english proverb goes, "When you make your bed, You must lie on it"

I had long ago modified the proverb, quite a few years back, during one of my lowest time.

"As you dig your grave, You must die in it"

I had chosen my path.. It doesnt seem to me that there is a U-turn.. It seems that it is a 1-way road.. A road to no returns; A road where no lights are seen...

Alas..

posted by Ivan Ee @ 1:13 AM