Grief and Sorrow

Friday, March 10, 2006
Prom Night.. (Feelings)

"Same Initials.. Coincidence or Fated?"

This is the first nick I posted on MSN since I knew her name.. Despite knowing her for the past 6 months or so, I seem to keep forgetting her name, until we have another module in common..

Coincidence or Fated? Thats the question I posted 4 to 5 months ago.. To think it took me up to so long before knowing the answer..

A one-word answer, it could well take up a life time to ensure I find the answer.. Haiz.. But it seems to me it is more siding towards the former.. Haiz..

The reason why I am so "Da Tan" writing these feelings is perhaps due to the fact that I feel she will not read this blog.. I dun think she will even be interested in reading my blog.. Haiz.. Perhaps these feelings should only be written in my main blog, yet I choose to write it here.. Strange.. Dunno whats wrong with me today.. I dun seem the usual me, who only write my real heart-felt feelings in my main blog, cos not many ppl have access to it, thus keeping me true inner feelings within my small group of close friends, never leaking out..

She is wearing a black V-neck overall skirt.. Accompanied by a black scarf.. She looks absolutely gorgeous..
I am wearing a black, striped blazer, grey shirt, which purple striped neck-tie, accompanied by a black pants.. Sarah said I look good in that..

Actually I bought the neck-tie and blazer yesterday from Zara.. Dyed my hair this afternoon.. Blazer costing $299, Neck-Tie costing $59.90, Hair costing $112.40..

Donna asked me this question.. "Why waste so much money on the prom night? Are you spending so much because of one prom night? Or for one girl?"
Was actually taken aback when she shot me this question.. I wanted to look good.. But whats the real objective behind it? Am I so keen to look good in front of my class? In front of my friends? Or in front of her... I think I know the answer.. Actually I think Donna also know the answer, but none of us said it out..

Immediately after the prom night dinner, the whole class went to the outside of the Ball Room to take photos, with Lecturers and Friends alike..
Well.. I joined in the fun, since this may well be the last time I will be with the whole class.. Despite my physical being.. My soul is actually not there.. I was browsing thru' the sea of people outside the BallRoom, seaching in vain.. Finally saw her.. But she was with her other friends.. Shy as I've always been.. I did not, dare not approach..

Took more pictures with Lecturers and all.. Finally it took a ChinBoon to really boost my confidence, my guts.. Useless me.. Haiz..
ChinBoon was telling me that she looks very pretty tonight.. It will be a real pity if I were to miss taking a foto with her.. That was when my guts started to come back and find itself back into me.. It has always been weird on my side.. For some strange reason, I will always have difficulty with joking and talking heartily with the person I like.. I am able to converse with Raine so well, even though today is the first time we really talk to each other; Yet I will always be in a weird spot, never knowing what to talk to her about, how to joke with her, how to make her laugh and feel happy.. Haiz.. The trip with her to a place in Suntec is really a flop.. A terrible silent flop.. Almost total silence between us.. Haiz..

Tracking back to where I side-tracked.. After those motivational talk from ChinBoon, I started to have more confidence in myself.. Cos I know that its now, or never.. I dun want to regret not taking a photo with her.. Especially in such a wonderful night, where we both are wearing such nice outfits..

To my disappointment, she is nowhere to be found.. I was turning my myself in vain, starring hard at each individuals who passed back.. Yet to no avail.. Demoralised.. The rest of the class is having so much fun cos-playing while taking fotos.. Sadness is not hard to be seen on my face.. Demorlised is the word.. Demoralised..

It was at this point in time where I really pray.. Sincerely pray.. I confess, that I had never pray as sincerely as I did today.. I pray sincerely to God that I can take a photo with her today, cos this may well be the last time I can see her.. I prayed, crying for help to God.. So sincerely that tears almost flows.. Yet as hard as I wish it would ever flow out of my eyes, it didnt.. But the sensation of tearing is there..

The class started to get bored of the same old place.. So they decided to change the location to the stairways.. Demoralised as I was, I went with them..

Finally.. On the stairways, I saw her.. My prayers seem to have been answered.. Deep down inside, I was so delighted.. Yet at the same time, cowardness creeped in.. I am scared.. I dunno how to approach her.. How to ask her to have a foto taken with me.. What if I get rejected.. Wouldn't it be more demoralising on my side?
But then again.. What if I were to not take the foto with her, wouldn't I regret for the rest of my life? What if I were to continue to ponder, until she gone out home and I will never get a foto taken with her? What if her frenz were to stop her from taking foto with her, feeling I am not fit to be with her in the same foto?

Haiz.. So many what if speeding thru' my mind in the split moment..

KwokYann soon saw her.. I am still pondering what to do when I was scolded by him for being "Ha-mmm"

Haiz.. To think I need to be scolded in order to get my acts right.. Haiz.. Perhaps I am too prefectionist a person that I will not take any steps unless I am sure I will succeed.. This is also perhaps one of the reasons why I can never make the first step to getting a girlfriend.. Cos I am too scared of failure.. Loving someone is nothing.. But making the first move requires great guts as it invovles great risk.. Either you make it, or you break it.. I had always rank love as the highest priority in my life, thus I never dare to take risk in it, thus causing me never to be able to confess my love to anyone I like..

KwokYann offered to accompany me to go down together.. In order to lend me his camera, as well as to lend me his guts..

At last, I drew all the courage I ever had, perhaps even exceeding the courage I ever had.. I asked her to take a photo with me.. While asking her that, I dare not look at her directly.. Shyness is my biggest flaw in Love, Lack of confidence comes next..

She agreed, although I can sense unwillingness in it.. Haiz.. She passed her handbag and her black scarf to her friend and took the picture with me..

I was actually shivering out of nervousness when taking the photo with her.. While standing with her, I could actually feel that my legs are not standing striaght.. They are shaking.. Uncontrollably.. I never know I will be so nervous as that, since it is, but juz taking a normal photo..

But is this really a normal photo? To others it is, but not to me.. This photo will hold a great deal of meaningful memories.. It was her that I feel I had not wasted my Poly life totally.. It was her that causes me to feel that actually poly life is not that bad afterall.. It was her that really make me feel time is so short in Poly.. It was also her that make me feel like I should have changed class when I had a chance..
I am not saying that this class of mine is not good or anything.. In fact, DBF3B07 is a mavellous class to be in.. The only thing is that a good and united class was never really what I had long for ultimately in life..

Coming back, actually I wanted a full body photo, cos it will look nicer.. But I dare not ask too much from her, for fear it will build up hatred in her against me.. Haiz.. But at least I had a foto with her..

Finally saw her left the place, with her friends.. My heart had gone as well..

Prom Night.. The night signifying the last of Poly life.. Signifying the end.. Great fun to have it, yet if you look deeper into it, it actually brings together with fun a bad omen.. Many ppl wont felt it, cos they look at the surface of it, while I have a tendency to look deeper.. Sometimes to needless depth..

Sadness seems doomed to have engraved itself upon me.. Last day.. Will it also signify that last time I will be seeing her? Haiz..

posted by Ivan Ee @ 1:13 AM